First order of business to understand what style you use in interpersonal communication. Which one do you use most of the time? I use the passive style. I indirectly express my opinions and wants if at all. Others styles are aggressive style which you give your opinions and wants at the expense of others and assertive style where you give your opinions without violating anyone else.
Second order is to identify where you want to be more assertive (assuming that is where you want to be...since its the 'ideal'). Are you assertive when you ask for help? state a differing opinion? receive or express positive or negative feelings? say no? Who are you assertive with? Parents? Co-workers? Classmates? Strangers? Spouse? Employer? Children? I am pretty much non-assertive, aka I am not assertive with anyone and with any situation. Except when I am speaking about my positive or negative feelings with my husband. I think he's the only one I feel comfortable enough with.
Body language is third. What type of assertive body language do you use most of the time? I don't use any of them. Although I would like to.
a) Maintain eye contact
b) Maintain posture
c) Speak clearly, audibly, and firmly
Fourth is effective communication and listening skills. What do you do most of the time? Are you preparing for what you're going to say? Do you ask for clarification? Do you acknowledge to other other person your respect? Do you compromise? I don't think I do any of this most of the time, although I try to clarify and focus on listening to responding. I think it would be a good idea to let people know that I respect their opinions.
Five: avoid manipulation. What do you do most of the time? Use a broken record? Defuse a sticky situation? Delay yourself until you are calm? Acknowledge criticism you agree with? I don't think I use a broken record and I believe I do a really good job of not responding when I'm heated. I am not sure how well I do at defusing others anger or acknowledging criticism.
I have the hardest time with this sixth one. Learning how to say no. I hardly ever....ok never, say no. I always agree and try to be the most helpful person ever. Sometimes this gets me in big trouble - aka: stress to the max. I already stress easy but to avoid confrontation (even if none were going to come) I agree to everything. I just can't seem to say no. Do you tell people exactly why you're saying no? or do you let them down gently?
Coming in as last is putting assertiveness into action. Take your number one problem and answer the questions.
Who is involved?
When does it take place?
What bothers you?
How do you deal with it?
Resources: Center For Disease Control, Mayo Clinic, Center for Mindfulness.
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